Ye Are His

Hey Guys,

Danielle, I so enjoyed your blog! The great thing about this blog, as opposed to my blog, is that there is a purpose. If that makes sense. I know exactly what I need to blog about. Danielle, I'm so happy for you, and I'm so glad that things came together with you and Michael. I would love to hear all about it! And Danielle, I know that I can speak for both Kate and I when I say that Rock of Ages is one of our favorite songs.

So Danielle, you picked a great night to get in touch with me. I don't know if you remember this, but I haven't graduated. I graduate in December. Rachel and I were planning on moving to Charleston in January. She mentioned at the very beginning of the semester that she wasn't as completely sure about missing out on her final semester at Auburn. Since then, we've both avoided talking about it. She didn't want to mention that she might not be able to go, and I didn't want to hear it. It all came to a head last night. We hosted her grandparents for dinner, and they asked about it and advised us for the entire dinner. It left me pretty emotional. I really enjoyed the dinner, and then when they left, for whatever reason I just felt sad. We were hit with the reality of the situation, and the reality is that it probably isn't going to work out. Her grandfather made a joke during dinner about how I could possibly meet Mr. Right in the next two weeks and would completely give up on Charleston. Somehow that hit a nerve. These days, I usually don't dwell very much on the guy thing, but when I do, then I just break down. Hearing about Charleston, and being reminded that there isn't a Mr. Right, I realized that Charleston was kind of my replacement. You know what I mean? If I wasn't getting married, well then at least I would have an adventure. I also realized, I'm looking for someone to fill the husband role. I want someone to go somewhere with. I don't want to just go. I can't lie, or fake and say that I'm in a great place right now. I'm not. I read your blog last night, and I broke down because I knew that it was so true that God is control, but I didn't want to hear it because that means that I could very easily wait another ten or twenty years before meeting Mr. Right if that's God's plan. I want a different plan. I'm not great right now. But, while I don't particularly enjoy feeling this way, the great thing is, that I feel God's presence and reality more than ever. I want to rebel against God's plan, and will, but I am more aware of it than ever. Does that make sense? I am reminded that as unreliable, and unfaithful as I am, in the midst of my doubt and anger(?), God is remaining faithful. He is standing so firm, and I don't doubt that. I count on it, and rest in it, when I am faithless. He makes up for my doubt. I can't trust in myself, because if I did, I would be freaking out. I have to trust that God is standing strong.

I listened to this song on repeat this morning in the studio, because I feel like it speaks what I am feeling. It doubts while understanding that He doesn't.

They say you live in hospitals and trenches
and towers in the sky
And I'm not dying or fighting any wars
Except on the inside

The only thing I need is a void that You can fill
And I jump ship and run even further in Your Will

And I am looking for the well that won't run dry
The rest that weary thoughts cannot deny
When You wrap Your arms around me
I can walk away or face the emptiest day

The words I find impossible to mention
Are written on a star
They say that I can find You in a flower
I need you in the car

The optimism of my youth is dead and gone
But I'll save these speculations for another time and song

And I am looking for the well that won't run dry
The rest that weary thoughts cannot deny
When You wrap Your arms around me
I can walk away or face the emptiest day

And life is only perceived through chemicals and emotion
But love, love is the island that overgrows the ocean

And I am looking for the well that won't run dry....

Caedmon's Call The emptiest Day

He is good, when I am not, and for now, that is all I need to know.