never saw you coming...

"I am the lover with no one to hold
I am the seeker with an empty soul
I'm everyone who's ever lost hope
And I never saw you coming
I could never dream of running
I have never known such love before
My God, you come, come and breathe your breath in me
Steal away what's left of me
Til you are mine and I am yours
Fall like stars on my shore
Still you are so much more"
who doesn't love bebo norman? this is a song off his new self-titled cd that came out in september. sarah, it is absolutely amazing! if you don't have it, i highly recommend downloading/buying it. every song holds so much meaning and is so prevalent in what the Christian life is about. kate and sarah, both of your posts were so uplifting and encouraging. selfishly, i wanted to start this blog because of my own struggles with desires for relationships and not resting content in the Lord's plan. it is so encouraging to hear that close friends (although separated by distance) are going through the same things and are seeking after the Lord. so i'm going to start this post and end it with bebo norman...i have another song that is truly incredible.
so this year has truly been a time of learning and growing in Christ...i won't go into a lot of detail, but i have been through a lot of heartache and withdrawal after my boyfriend and i broke up last fall. as ya'll know, it was so hard, and i felt so alone and didn't know what to think or feel after being distanced from this person after dating him for so long. but how the Lord works and NOT on our timing! although i have considered this "suffering" and a trial, i also see it as a blessing. after reading sarah's post about initiating and the woman should wait on the man and the Lord ultimately, i realized that that is exactly what i have been going through this past yr. i've tried so hard to mend things with the guy i dated, and i have initiated so much effort into fixing things and trying to get back together with him, that i slowly became drained and physically, emotionally, spiritually TIRED and my "well" felt absolutely dried up. just recently i have finally, by the Lord's goodness, been brought to a place of rest and peace after talking with the boy. i initiated the conversation simply because i had to tell i couldn't put so much time and effort into this anymore, if nothing was coming from the other end. should i have kindof made the "ultimatum"? i still don't know even a week and half later how i mustered the courage and willingness to say what i said to him, but i was completely honest with him. basically, this whole year i've wrongfully held on to ONLY him and put all hopes into dating him again...but the Lord had different plans that may not be what i want, but i'm learning to trust what HE works and does is SO GOOD and so much better than what i could have ever manipulated or figured out on my own. sometimes i wonder, "God, why the whole year of drawing me to you and finally bringing me peace in trusting you? why this whole situation of heartbreak, why so long?" But as kate said, God knows best. He knows far better than we do. and it IS a delight and brings so much rest to just trust Him with everything---even with our desires and what WE want. so this is how i see it as a blessing on the flip side of it being suffering- the Lord does use the suffering, trials, heartache, etc. to break us...He makes us "weak, yet in our weakness He is strong"....when i felt hopeless as if i couldn't break free from the sin of "idolizing" and being consumed in the thoughts and efforts of getting back together with this guy, the LORD was strong and He became what i wanted most to hold on to. ps 6 is a great picture of David in anguish crying out to the Lord and not saying, "Why, Lord, is this suffering coming upon me?" instead he cries out, "How long, O Lord, How long?" the morning of the sunday i had the last convo with the boy was when my pastor at church gave a sermon on suffering and this exact psalm. all i could think about that day before having the convo was this psalm. david was completely honest with God and opened up to God about his despair and his weakness, but at the end he says, "For the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping; the Lord has heard my supplication, the Lord receives my prayer..." i am so grateful to the Lord for showing me CLEARLY that His plan for my life is better than what i wanted. He hasn't exactly taken desires away, but He has provided enough grace for me to make it each day and has slowly healed my heart and brought it to the position it needs to be- humbly before the Cross, in view of my sin and my wanting to hold on to idols, yet His love is greater and His power stronger in that very weakness that i feel.
sorry this is so long girls! i love this blog and i love each of ya'll...can't wait to read new posts. (ps this is kindof therapeutic)
here's the last bebo norman lyric i wanted to post:
"I want to run, it's my nature to run
And I want to fight, it's my nature to fight
And I want to live, but you tell me to die
I have resolved that I'm much better off
In your hands than mine
I'm begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to take my life from me
I want a crumb, but you are a feast
I want a song, but you are a symphony
I want a star, but your a galaxy
And I have resolved that I'm much better off
In what you have for me"