New Year!

so one of my resolutions is to try to write on the blog at least every other day...and if that dwindles, at least once every week.
alot of thoughts have been entering my head lately that i've been trying to be mindful of with prayer, but most of them i would rather try to take into my own hands and take control of. one of those is the future and what i will be doing after i graduate in may. when i tell people i'll be graduating, they automatically ask, "do you have a job lined up yet?" and i shyly answer, "well, i'm going to start sending my resume and applying to places this semester, but not job lined up yet." but even though i am trying to maintain calm on the outside, on the inside i am freaking out and panicing thinking, "what if i don't graduate at all?! what if i fail out? and if i do graduate, what if i don't get a job? what if the job i get is horrible?" and those questions and feelings just snowball into a million other anxious thoughts. but i have to somehow remember that the Lord is trustworthy and He has His plan already laid out for my life. and i have nothing to worry about but to trust Him.
i want ya'll to download a sermon (it's free) on iTunes. go to www.firstevan.org and go to resources. and click audio sermons (i think)...and under those there are several different categories. scroll down to women's ministries and there's an option or link where you can subscribe to the podcast there. and it will take you to iTunes where it will start downloading them. listen to the one by emily ozier, i think it's called more than conquerors. she goes through some verses in joshua that talk about how we need to trust Jesus even when we doubt Him and even when we are in the most difficult of times as Joshua and the Israelites were. it is a very encouraging word from the Lord.
another thought that's been entering my mind is how i feel so "comfortable" where i am in life with friendships, and i wonder if that's not all necessarily a good thing? should i branch out and widen my horizons or just stay in my little zone? and then i think what my motivations would be to widen my horizons and make new friends and they seem selfish...but in my heart, i want to widen them in order to love others and strangers with Christ's love. i've found it hard that when you have a really close group of people (sortof like what i had at auburn), you tend to get stuck, but then you end up knowing everything about everyone, and if you don't in that group of people then you are "left out" or you find your nutrition or growth stemming from if you know things...because if you don't then you should. i don't know, it's weird, but i have found myself thinking that alot lately. is it ok to widen horizons and go meet new people with surfacey motivations? or should we be in sincere prayer before we do, asking the Lord to fill our hearts with love so that we might branch out and extend our fellowship with others. i don't know if that made any sense, but those are things that have been running through my head lately too. i guess another reason i've thought alot about that is because i want to move to nashville when i graduate!
another thing i have been praying is that the Lord would ignite in me a deeper desire for His Word. i tend to just open my Bible and read some verses here or there, but this year i want to "study" the Word. i want to know why i believe it and why i believe it is truth to me personally.
well, this is all i can think of right now to share...i have missed blogging and i love this because it's almost like a diary that i can share with good friends :) and i know if we were all at taylor's getting chais or at cambridge coffee we would be talking about these things. what a blessing the fellowship of believers is and having a rich, deep community! love to you all!

Good Morning

I'm sorry I haven't posted in forever.

This morning I went to my car to go to church, and it wouldn't start. So, instead, I had some devotional time here at home. I began with a prayer from Valley of Vision. They are so beautiful and say words that I'm trying to say in such a clearer way.

THE DEEPS

Give me a deeper repentance,
a horror of sin, a dread of its approach;

Help me chastely to flee it,
and jealously to resolve that my heart shall be thine alone.

Give me a deeper trust, that I may lose myself to find myself in thee,
the ground of my rest, the spring of my being.

Give me a deeper knowledge of thyself as Saviour, Master, Lord, and King.
Give me a deeper power in private prayer, more sweetness in thy Word,
more steadfastness grip on its truth.

Give me deeper holiness in speech, thought, action,
and let me not seek moral virtue apart from thee.

Plough deep in me, great Lord, heavenly Husbandman,
that my being may be a tilled field, the roots of grace spreading far and wide,
until thou alone art seen in me, thy beauty golden like summer harvest,
thy fruitfulness as autumn plenty.

I have no Master but thee, no law but thy will, no delight but thyself,
no wealth but that thou givest, no good but that thou blessest, no peace but that thou bestowest.

I am nothing but that thou makest me,
I have nothing but that I receive from thee,
I can be nothing but that grace adorns me.

Quarry me deep, dear Lord, and then fill me to overflowing with living water.

I also opened up Ruth and read through it. Here I am, right where you were a couple of months ago Claire, not sure what I'm doing. I'm trying to figure out how to become a working artist, how to support myself, what job to get so that I can support myself but also continue to make art the priority. Right now that means being in Scottsboro. I don't know where I'm going. I feel like things are slightly clearer than maybe a week ago, but I still have so so many questions. Ruth is such a comfort to me. Its like having an aerial view, seeing from the way God sees things; a reminder that God's view is so much larger than ours. First of all, Naomi has lost all hope; she says that she has come back empty. By the end of the book, Naomi is seen as extremely blessed. Then there is Ruth who begins to follow the Lord and gives up everything besides Him by choosing to obey and follow where He leads her. In the end she becomes a mother and wife. God completely takes care of and provide for both of these women. Finally, God is using them to bring about our Savior. Its such a bigger story. Its a wonderful reminder that God has a perfect plan for my life even if it seems to be going no where right now.

Last thing, I have recently discovered Dolly Parton's Travelin' Thru. While the theology isn't always exactly right, I like the theme and humility in it.

Questions I have many, answers but a few,
But we're here to learn, the spirit burns, to know the greater truth
We've all been crucified and they nailed Jesus to the tree
and when I'm born again you're going to see a change in me.

God made me for a reason and nothing is in vain
Redemption comes in many shapes with many kinds of pain
Oh sweet Jesus if you're listening, keep me ever close to You
As I'm stumblin, tumblin, wonderin, as I'm travelin thru

I'm just travelin, travelin, travelin, I'm just travelin
Drifting like a floating boat and roaming like the wind
oh give me some direction Lord, let me lean on You
As I'm travelin, travelin, travelin thru.

Hope you all enjoy your Sunday!

some good verses :)

ps 31:3-5
for you are my rock and my fortress; for your name's sake you will lead me and guid me. you will pull me out of the net which they have secretly laid for me. for you are my strength. into your hand i commit my spirit; you have ransomed me, O Lord, God of truth.

and v 9-10, 14-15
be gracious to me, O Lord, for i am in distress; my eye is wasted away from grief, my soul and my body also. for my life is spent with sorrow and my years with sighing. my strength has failed because of my iniquity, and my body has wasted away. but as for me i trust in YOU, O Lord, i say, 'you are my God'. my times are in your hand; deliver me frmo the hand of my enemies and from those who persecute me...
and v 24- be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the Lord.

quotes!

kate, i absolutely love that book by elisabeth elliott. although the title is depressing, that book holds so much truth and meaning in ALL seasons of life, not just in loneliness. i read that book and loved every single word.
so todays post is not really a journal type thing. nothing new is going on in life except for finals this wk and i am done on thurs! i am so looking forward to a break. it's funny to look back on how the Lord has used each circumstance no matter how painful and drawn out and He has come near in each and has shown me His faithfulness. when i thought i couldn't make it through something, He used it for His good and knew better than i did what was best. here are some quotes i came across this morning when i was looking back through my journal entries from the last couple of years (which are very numerous). i love looking back and seeing how the Lord used so much in my life, so much that was painful and brought something good and better out of it. as i was reading those old entries, i just remember the feeling of pain or loneliness or guilt i had and how i could literally feel my heart sink into my chest. that feeling came back and then i remembered where i am today and how i got through those times, only by His peace and love. so here they are! much love.
cs lewis- what God uses to awaken desire is not necessarily what we long for. the things in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. these things are good images of what we desire, but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers, for they are not the thing itself.

john piper- God alone knows what is good for human beings and God alone knows what is not good for them. to enjoy the good we must trust God and obey Him. if we disobey, we will have to decide for ourselves what is good and what is not good. while to modern men and women such a prospect may seem desirable, to the author of Genesis, it is the worst fate that could have befallen humanity.

The acorn does what it was made to do, without pestering its Maker with questions about when and how and why. we who have been given an intelligence and a will and a whole range of wants that can be set against the divine pattern for good are asked to believe HIM.

we are always held in the love of God. we are never wholly at the mercy of other people- they are only 2nd causes, and no matter how many 2nd or 3rd or 50th causes seem to be in control of what happens to us, it is GOD who is in charge; He who holds the keys, He who casts the lot finally into the lap. trusting Him, then, requires that i leave some things to be decided by others. i must learn to relinquish the control i mighty wield over somebody else if the decision properly belongs to him. i must resist my urge to manipulate him, needle and prod and pester until he capitulates. i must trust God in him, trust God to do for BOTH of us better than i know. elisabeth elliott

clogged with wishes. i was wishing that my wishes were what God wished, and if my wishes were not what God wished, i wished that i could wish that my wishes would go away, but the wishes were still there.

when the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die.

WORRY IS LIKE A ROCKING CHAIR. IT GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO DO, BUT IT WON'T GET YOU ANYWHERE....

quote for the day...

here's some elisabeth elliot for you...

"but safety, as the cross shows, does not exclude suffering. all that was of course beyond me when i was a child, but as i began to learn about suffering i learned that trust in those strong arms means that even our suffering is under control. we are not doomed to meaninglessness. a loving purpose is behind it all, a great tenderness even in the fierceness." - elisabeth elliot. the path of loneliness

God's strength made perfect in our weakness :)

So. this verse came up multiple times last week in my conversations with my roommate and with others. it also came up in my quiet times...last week was really difficult at times, but this verse is so powerful and hits me at what seems the worst of times...it is so encouraging. hope you find encouragement in this devotion by spurg!!!
much love---
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
"For my strength is made perfect in weakness." {#2Co 12:9}
A primary qualification for serving God with any amount of success, and for doing God’s work well and triumphantly, is a sense of our own weakness. When God’s warrior marches forth to battle, strong in his own might, when he boasts, "I know that I shall conquer, my own right arm and my conquering sword shall get unto me the victory", defeat is not far distant. God will not go forth with that man who marches in his own strength. He who reckoneth on victory thus has reckoned wrongly, for "it is not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, saith the Lord of hosts." They who go forth to fight, boasting of their prowess, shall return with their bright banners trailed in the dust, and their armour stained with disgrace. Those who serve God must serve him in his own way, and in his strength, or he will never accept their service. That which man doth, unaided by divine strength, God can never own. The mere fruits of the earth he casteth away; he will only reap that corn, the seed of which was sown from heaven, watered by grace, and ripened by the sun of divine love. God will empty out all that thou hast before he will put his own into thee; he will first clean out thy granaries before he will fill them with the finest of the wheat. The river of God is full of water; but not one drop of it flows from earthly springs. God will have no strength used in his battles but the strength which he himself imparts. Are you mourning over your own weakness? Take courage, for there must be a consciousness of weakness before the Lord will give thee victory. Your emptiness is but the preparation for your being filled, and your casting down is but the making ready for your lifting up.
"When I am weak then am I strong,
Grace is my shield and Christ my song."

Weekend Renunion

This weekend Casey Payne and Tyler Wallace are getting married. For that reason, this weekend will be a bit of a training staff reunion. I began thinking about it, obviously Tyler and Casey are marrying each other, Allison won't be able to make it because she will be with her husband in their new home town in Kentucky, Michael got engaged this week, Breck will be staying at my house with her boyfriend(in seperate rooms :), and Morgan will be driving in from a visit to her boyfriend in Atlanta. I could dwell on this and get depressed, I could dwell on the moment last night where Breck asked, so what about you? are you talking with anyone? (becoming such a familiar question) Or I could dwell on truth. Truth that I heard recently in a message on The Lord's Prayer. It was a message that we've all heard, but that we need to hear, over and over and over. That this life isn't about our needs, give us this day our daily bread, its about Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be His name, His kingdom come, His will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven... for thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory forever. The teacher reminded us that the Lord's desire is for earth to be as it is in Heaven. That Heaven is completely and totally surrendered to His glory, and that is what He is working and constantly moving to make happen here. So to be focused on anything else, is to be focused on too little, is to except too little from this life God has given us. We are to expect God's glory, and while marriage certainly doesn't have to be seperate from that, to put all my desire in marriage rather than God's glory is to seperate it.

I am also reminded of King David, who was run out of His home, away from the people he loved because his father-in-law, the king, was trying to kill him. He literally ran for his life for 10 years, but relied solely on the presence of the Lord to carry Him through. God provided enough grace to carry him through that for ten years. Tonight I can dwell on the fact that I know that same God, and if He can provide enough grace to carry David through those ten years, He can certainly provide enough grace to strengthen me through however many years He has planned for me not being married. Tonight, that is quite a comfort.