growing up, defeating worry!

It is still hard for me to believe that I am in the process of applying/interviewing in hopes of finding my first job in the "real world". It's really tough, to be honest, and so far, I have been timid and just plain pessimistic about it. That's not entirely true, because I do have optimistic days and I know that God is sovereign and has had a plan since the beginning of time for me and all of His children. But, I am hit with lies almost every day about myself and my future, and I have become good at believing them. Lies like, "God doesn't have anything else for you...you'll never get a job or make a difference or bear fruit for Him." Yes, that extreme! And, "You made that mistake, choosing a major you didn't like, and that messed the plan up that God had for You." How silly. They are not true. I believe they're simply lies directly from our Enemy.

I got a call yesterday morning from a man from a company that I sent my resume to. He invited me to interview with them this Friday. Since yesterday morning, I have been thinking about it almost constantly, worrying and worrying over what I will say and what they will think of me. I have a real problem with worry. Since I was a wee teen, I have had this thing where if something is coming up, some kind of public speaking or interview or even social events that I am uncomfortable with, I will obsessively anticipate it. Unhealthy obsession and worry. It is a real sin in my life. And I'm so tired of it. Upon coming across this verse yesterday, I gave my anxieties to the Lord, just wishing for His peace to come over me: "And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?" - Matthew 6:27. Could Jesus be any more reasonable and clear? It makes so much sense. Worrying does absolutely nothing. It can only tear you down, and it dishonors Him. So this evening, as I was running with my Dad, that peace finally started to kick in. I began to believe, actually believe what I've been reading in the Word and taking my family's advice about this interview coming up, this small moment in time, advice like "Just be yourself, and just be honest". And that is all I want to be. It's totally the Spirit ministering to me, and its times like these that I appreciate challenge and the hard things, because God shows up in mighty ways. I am hoping and praying that, as I face more and more of these uncomfortable events in my life, that I am relying each time more and more on God's grace to get me through it, and totally refusing to believe the lies, and reject the worry.

Hope yall are having good weeks : )

So....hey! I have been the silent member of this ship for way too long. Though I've never actually posted on here, I have kept up with mostly all of your posts over the past year and have been really encouraged by them. So I just wanted to say thanks, Sarah, Kate, and Danielle...and attempt to become an active post-er.

Why the sudden motivation? I've definitely gotten more "in" to blogging these days and have found that I do enjoy it. And I agree with you, Sarah - this blog actually has purpose! It's a conversation, an encouragement, and a sharing of life among friends. Secondly, it's a great way to keep up with yall. Thirdly, I'm in desperate need of community (even if it's blog community) : ) Now that I'm home, there's kind of a lack of Christian friends in my life. I have my family, but there are virtually no young people here, or maybe I just haven't found them. Even at my church, our age is just kind of skipped. It kind of goes from high school to young marrieds, with no "young singles", or whatever I am, in between. All that to say, I LOVE the idea of going through a book of the Bible with yall. I am reading Romans right now, and about to start Ezekiel, but I am fine doing whatever. I like the idea of doing Ruth again for sure.

Since this blog started as kind of a singles' support group (that sounds lame, I don't know what to call it!), I guess I could start by telling you where I am with guy thing. For the past year or so, I've been saying that I'm okay with being single. Even forever, if that's what God wants. And I really feel that way. It hasn't been a huge struggle...yet. Here's the funny part: I'm not okay with being okay with being single. That probably doesn't make sense! Let me try to explain. I had a conversation with a friend, also single, this summer in Auburn, and I'm not sure how we got to this, but I mentioned I was okay with being single. She said she was too, and had been for a while, but the fact that she was okay with it has always really scared her. She explained that she of course wants to date and wants a husband one day, but that she definitely has a peace about being single. And because God knows this... she kind of wants to take it back. As in, "No, Lord, just because I'm okay with not ever getting married, please don't take the prospect of actually getting married away! I still want to! Don't misunderstand..." I totally agreed with her, because that is exactly the way I feel. I'm stuck between "I don't have to get married if it's not in Your plan" and a strong desire to have a husband and be a wife, sharing the most intimate relationship two people can share, and have children, be a mother. I feel like this desire has grown, even in the past few months, and is only going to grow as I get older. But for now, I am content to be single. Fortunately, as Sarah said, He does understand my desires infinitely more than I do, right now and always.

The chorus of one of Brooke Fraser's songs, "Love is Waiting", always gives me hope in the area of singleness. They are simple lyrics, but it's just a reminder to me that even if I'm longing for a boyfriend or sometimes just think it would be easier if I were married already, the one God has for me may not be ready, and I may not be ready either.

'll be waiting for you baby
I'll be holding back the darkest night
Love is waiting til we're ready, til it's right
Love is waiting

By the way, I think the song is actually about her dating someone already but not being sure if he's "the one" (but I tend to bend lyrics to fit my situation....). Anyway, it's a beautiful song!

Danielle, I'm glad things are going well with you and Michael, and I'll be praying about Bloom (which sounds really cool). And Kate and Sarah, I love hearing about your lives at Auburn...miss that place so much and the people in it.

More to come and goodnight!

Let me say one last time, I'm so glad that we're really doing this again. Danielle I've been looking up songs by the Shelly Moore Band. You're right, she has a beautiful voice! I downloaded Jesus, I am Resting and Serenade. Any other recommendations?

We should definitely go through a book, but maybe one that some of us are already going through? I've been thinking of you Danielle because I've joined, along with Kate, an RUF fellowship group (even though I don't go to RUF) that Richard and his wife are leading on Ruth. When I heard that it was being lead by the two of them and that it was on Ruth, I just couldn't resist. I loved it when we went through Ruth together. I'm also doing a Bible study on David, and I know Kate is doing another one on 1 John I think. I was also trying to read through 1 Peter. I just thought maybe we could pick one that we can all really focus on right now. Would you be interested in doing Ruth again? I think we could continue to learn a lot from it.

Everything that you said Danielle about fellowship is so true. I feel like I'm learning that more and more as I get older just how necessary Christian fellowship is. Christian fellowship has been slightly lacking in my life in the past year, and I think I need to begin actively pursuing that. Friday morning, I went to prayer. Do you remember that I was involved in Crusade's Friday morning prayer Danielle? Well, there is a core group of us who have been doing it for so long now, and it feels less and less like a "crusade" group because no one new ever comes. We just meet together to pray. This Friday morning was especially encouraging. We all randomly shared what God has been teaching us, about a devotion that we had read, or shared our favorite verses with each other. I was open with them about my lack of trust right now, but I also shared the morning and evening devotion that I had read. The verse for the night that Rachel and I had our big discussion was "Trust in Him at all times." Psalm 62:8. It hit me right where was I at, exactly. It was one of those moments where God couldn't make it any more clear that He was speaking to me. He didn't make me get there for myself; He completely laid it out for me, and He was saying that He's going to take care of everything. Which is so true.

Philip encouraged me by reminding me of Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I hear that verse and hear that if we delight ourselves in the Lord, our desires will be His desires. Which is true. Philip went on to say that he had realized in that verse that God created us, and He knows and understands our desires so much better than we do. Right now, it feels like the fulfillment of my desires would be to either get married or go to Charleston, and maybe that would be very satisfying, but definitely, God knows much better than I what will satisfy me: on a spiritual level and on a daily living level. What's the verse where God says that if your earthly parent provides bread, then God will give so much more. Do you know what I'm talking about? God certainly isn't holding back on us, and He understands what each of us needs this week, and this year.

So, I'm sorry that all felt a little jumbled. I need to get out of here and head back to Auburn.

By the way Danielle, I think we should definitely all meet in Nashville. I've realized if Nashville is going to be backup for the spring, I should probably go. We'll keep in touch!

loving the blog world...

i love blogging! i think it is because i saw julie and julia the other day with my mom...and i was so inspired by her blog and it reminded me of you've got mail and the email system! so fun! by the way, if ya'll haven't seen julie and julia, you definitely must!
sarah, i will be praying for you. i feel so bad for your situation...but i am SO thankful that you said all of that and that you were honest and transparent in the fact that you are not "great". as ironic as it is, i am most encouraged when people are honest and talk about stinky things going on in their lives and how they are depending upon the Lord. keep me posted on how things are going and especially on your plans for after december. and you and kate both should definitely come to memphis this fall! that would be AMAZING! or we could all meet in nashville one weekend?? that would be so fun too! i am planning on coming to auburn some time... i get a few fridays off from school so i will probably come those weekends...maybe the end of this month and again a couple of times in oct. i will for sure give ya'll a heads up!
kate, i am SO SO excited that you are committed to and loving RUF. WOW!! that is AWESOME. i am so sad i missed out on that my senior year of college :( God has worked in so many amazing ways in that group, it is almost mind-boggling. i can't even put into words how blessed i was by that community. after being back in memphis for a while, there have been times where i have longed for that group of friends and relationships...but those types of longings have led me to the sunday school i am in now and the friends and relationships i have built here since being back. how the Lord works is AWESOME, even though getting to the place He has called us may be absolutely challenging and difficult. about the china thing---that is awesome too!! i have been praying about maybe making a trip to s. korea sometime after i graduate---or even before if time and school permit. i have been wanting to visit one of my old high school teachers, who now lives over there with his family and is a principal at a NICS school there. i want to know more about the culture and the people and about orphanages and how they work.
haha it is totally ok to just have updates! i want to know about ya'lls lives and just hearing about our different situations and roads we are on is encouraging in itself.

OHH ya'll can also be praying for a ministry called "Bloom" i am thinking about getting involved with either this fall or in the spring? it is a women's ministry for girls our age who team up with an older lady at the church and are mentored by them. i am praying the Lord will open up that opportunity for me and allow time in a day to do that. that would be AWESOME.
ALSO---i know we are all super busy, but is there a book of the Bible (short) or a short book we could all read on our own and then post as we read through it?? we wouldn't really have to be on any type of schedule...that is what is so great about blogging! let me know!
ps- yall need to download some shelly moore band songs on itunes....her voice is incredible, it makes me tear up every time i listen to it!!!

update v. kate.

yay. thanks danielle for pursuing this! God has gifted you so much in being such an encouragement to the people in your life. i'm very thankful for that! i'm sorry that i have done a poor job of keeping up! will you be coming to auburn anytime this fall? i want to come up to TN at some point... nashville, but maybe memphis could be a little detour.

thanks for sharing that man's story. i'm in the same boat as ya'll... regarding having to realize it's not about my plans, but His. i have to say... God has blessed me a lot this semester already! i am thankful for that. it's going to be busy and lots of decision making but to a certain degree i feel like this semester and hopefully year will be kind of like the calm after the storm. i feel like i've gone through this funnel of crazy sanctification and breaking and molding and dang, that hurts sometimes, you know? but, it's all for good.

ok, so for specifics. danielle, you'll appreciate that i am absolutely in love with RUF right now. i have to continually give it up, and pray that RUF gives it up... that it is all for God's glory. it's empowered by Him for Him. it's not about RUF. but He's blessed it and blessed me by it. i believe the community's strong. and maybe because i've never completely let myself go in it. i've never made it top priority. i've always contemplated, do i want to give time to ADPi, to crusade, to work, to this, to that. but i think this semester.... richard talks about this a lot with core group... you have to choose something that you can commit to, and i feel like i've simply chosen RUF. and i can rest in that. i've never been able to because everyone calls you in different directions. but i've always known RUF was my fave! it's just where i feel God would have me. i'm leading a sophomore girls' fellowship group with Meggie, the new intern. it's so fun! it's on 1 john and i am beyond thankful for that. it talks about how our fellowship with God is disrupted when we take so lightly our sin, when we are not repenting on a daily basis. and if we do not have a right relationship with God, we can not have a right relationship with others.

i am praying about what to do after college. i don't know if you ever even heard the China phase of my life... Danielle... but i'm in love with China and want to go there one day. well, i went for a week in the Spring. and i was certain i would go when i graduate, but the Lord has steered me from that. He gave me the conviction all last year, to the point that i even was able to go. i was sure of it this summer, but He kept shutting doors with certain organizations... i just never had a peace because of various situations and conversations. but, i'm still certain of the conviction. but, not now. in fact, i e-mailed the girl who i have been talking to at MTW, yesterday, to let her know i made my decision that i will not continue the application process. and i had a complete peace about it! but, haha... today i was working on a paper, and looking up stuff about london which led to the olympics which led to beijing... and this video with this song that they play everywhere in china! i watched this youtube video, and ya'll i just sat and bawled. i love China! and i thought, Lord, what happened? why not? but, i still have this peace that it will be in future, but not immediately. watch the video :)

thanks for the lyrics, sarah. i love how we always write lyrics... i love lyrics!

so, this is getting long and i simply wrote and update... no encouragement really... but i will try, try, try to be faithful and post something more later!

love ya'll.

Hey Guys,

Danielle, I so enjoyed your blog! The great thing about this blog, as opposed to my blog, is that there is a purpose. If that makes sense. I know exactly what I need to blog about. Danielle, I'm so happy for you, and I'm so glad that things came together with you and Michael. I would love to hear all about it! And Danielle, I know that I can speak for both Kate and I when I say that Rock of Ages is one of our favorite songs.

So Danielle, you picked a great night to get in touch with me. I don't know if you remember this, but I haven't graduated. I graduate in December. Rachel and I were planning on moving to Charleston in January. She mentioned at the very beginning of the semester that she wasn't as completely sure about missing out on her final semester at Auburn. Since then, we've both avoided talking about it. She didn't want to mention that she might not be able to go, and I didn't want to hear it. It all came to a head last night. We hosted her grandparents for dinner, and they asked about it and advised us for the entire dinner. It left me pretty emotional. I really enjoyed the dinner, and then when they left, for whatever reason I just felt sad. We were hit with the reality of the situation, and the reality is that it probably isn't going to work out. Her grandfather made a joke during dinner about how I could possibly meet Mr. Right in the next two weeks and would completely give up on Charleston. Somehow that hit a nerve. These days, I usually don't dwell very much on the guy thing, but when I do, then I just break down. Hearing about Charleston, and being reminded that there isn't a Mr. Right, I realized that Charleston was kind of my replacement. You know what I mean? If I wasn't getting married, well then at least I would have an adventure. I also realized, I'm looking for someone to fill the husband role. I want someone to go somewhere with. I don't want to just go. I can't lie, or fake and say that I'm in a great place right now. I'm not. I read your blog last night, and I broke down because I knew that it was so true that God is control, but I didn't want to hear it because that means that I could very easily wait another ten or twenty years before meeting Mr. Right if that's God's plan. I want a different plan. I'm not great right now. But, while I don't particularly enjoy feeling this way, the great thing is, that I feel God's presence and reality more than ever. I want to rebel against God's plan, and will, but I am more aware of it than ever. Does that make sense? I am reminded that as unreliable, and unfaithful as I am, in the midst of my doubt and anger(?), God is remaining faithful. He is standing so firm, and I don't doubt that. I count on it, and rest in it, when I am faithless. He makes up for my doubt. I can't trust in myself, because if I did, I would be freaking out. I have to trust that God is standing strong.

I listened to this song on repeat this morning in the studio, because I feel like it speaks what I am feeling. It doubts while understanding that He doesn't.

They say you live in hospitals and trenches
and towers in the sky
And I'm not dying or fighting any wars
Except on the inside

The only thing I need is a void that You can fill
And I jump ship and run even further in Your Will

And I am looking for the well that won't run dry
The rest that weary thoughts cannot deny
When You wrap Your arms around me
I can walk away or face the emptiest day

The words I find impossible to mention
Are written on a star
They say that I can find You in a flower
I need you in the car

The optimism of my youth is dead and gone
But I'll save these speculations for another time and song

And I am looking for the well that won't run dry
The rest that weary thoughts cannot deny
When You wrap Your arms around me
I can walk away or face the emptiest day

And life is only perceived through chemicals and emotion
But love, love is the island that overgrows the ocean

And I am looking for the well that won't run dry....

Caedmon's Call The emptiest Day

He is good, when I am not, and for now, that is all I need to know.

:) starting a new school year

AHHHH here is how i post! so, it has been a while since i have written on this blog. i have been inspired lately, however, to write some thoughts down and this is the best outlet for that. i miss ya'll so much and i miss this blog!! we need to get back on regularly writing on this website and keeping up with each others' lives. life has been pretty hectic the past few weeks. my life has felt so unorganized and it has made me feel pressured and stressed. whenever my room or books or anything are out of order, i feel like everything around me is out of order. i don't like that feeling! school has already been challenging and difficult...i think especially since i did not crack a book open this summer. i want to hear how ya'lls schooling is going, and sarah---i want to hear about charleston! have ya'll moved there yet?
well the dating life---if you haven't noticed from my "relationship status" on facebook (i feel so funny updating ya'll this way), i am dating the same guy again. it has been a slow process of moving into our relationship, but it has been a GOOD slow process. normally, i am the most impatient person when dealing with relationships (as seen in older posts, i wanted everything in my timing) and the Lord knew His perfect timing and plan for both michael and me. it has been different than when we dated before---even though it is long distance and it's hard, i feel like we've grown as individuals and we are more mature than when we dated previously. it's so hard to put in words, i wish there was a way to! but you definitely know when people around you have grown, but especially you know for a fact when you have grown. the Lord used SO many things--good and bad--the past 2 years that i look back on now and know for sure they were His perfect Will...even though at the time i was going through them i felt weak and unsure if it really was God's perfect plan because it was not what i wanted. anyway, all that to say relationships are hard, but good, and it took alot of trust to get where we are now in dating...and it took trust in the Lord to get me through the past 2 years that were really hard.
i have been visiting 2nd pres., a larger presbyterian church here in memphis. i have been going to the sunday school class for "young adults" which has been SO SO good. my need for communitry grew and grew the past year or so as i realized how much it was not only beneficial for us as Christians but how it IS what the church is all about. the speaker this past wk was a guest who was a younger man who gave his testimony. needless to say, when guys have emotional, heart-wrenching stories, i get emotional....and i am not an emotional person. this guy's testimony was one of the most convicting ones i have heard in a while. he talked about our "plan" for our lives vs. what the Lord really wants for our lives. he talked about how he had kindof mapped out this perfect life he looked forward to---wife, home, good job....but how the Lord's plan was completely different and ultimately better. he grew up in a Christian home and school and had become a "Christian" at an early age, but he didn't really KNOW the Lord. he got into some deep sin during middle school/high school and he tlaked about his struggles with that sin and how he knew he was "guilty" and he would pray about the sin and ask God to intervene, but when he saw the Lord wasn't doing anything or wasn't really taking it away, he would just shut his Bible and think "God really isn't powerful, He's not taking this sin away from me". so he continued in that sin and struggling with that. when he got to college, he had found "the girl" and they got engaged. and during their engagement, they worked at a camp and he spent some time with the Lord praying about the engagement and had read several things talking about being open and honest with one another and with the Lord. during that time, he confessed to his fiance his struggle and that it was still with him, and they sortof worked it out and forced "making it work" and they got married. life went on and his "perfect" life was seemingly ok to the outside people looking in. he had a good job, a wife, money, a home, etc....but he felt empty and drained. he would come home and even though he knew he had to make it work with his wife, he had no energy and nothing left in him to force making that relationship work. the Lord was obviously working in his heart and guiding him, even through the hard things. one day his wife and him got in sortof an argument and she left saying "you just need to go talk to your dad". they had not talked about a divorce or anything, but that night really really late, he left to go talk with his dad. he said they drove around for almost 4 hours talking about this life he was living and how he felt empty and felt his wife and his relationship was not working the way he had planned. while driving around with his dad, they talked about the verse in james 5:16 that says "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." he said that night he knew that verse was real and KNEW that God really valued him and really valued his struggles and this broken relationship he had with his wife. he said he got home from that talk and was sitting on his couch and waiting for his wife to get back and prayed "Lord just let me get back to my bedroom before i break down". he said he hadn't made it 2 steps into his room before he fell on his knees and just wept. he wept over this life he had been forcing that was not according to God's will but what he wanted and forced for himself. but the Lord had used this for his GOOD. he had realized so many things about himself and about the Lord and really knowing Him, that if he had not gone through this hard situation, he wouldn't have maybe come to those realizations. his personality was one of people-pleasing and working things out, and when his wife came home that night he said he wanted so badly to just go talk to her and figure whatever out that was wrong and share with her what he had realized and figured out about himself and that maybe that would help. but she came in and walked into his room and said she wanted a divorce. he said they went to counseling after that and tried to renew things in their relationship, but it just didn't work out in that regard.
this is a long story and probably one that is pretty common among Christian circles. i'm not sure...but it was so convicting how much we manipulate things to go in our favor because we want things in our timing. but God knows our hearts at those times, He knows what is ultimately best for our lives. and sometimes that calls for hard times and for being extremely patient, but it is His perfect plan.
this is so comforting to me and this story has been in my head and on the tip of my tongue the past 2 days. i want to share it with everyone i come in contact with. it brings so much joy and relief to think our Father cares about us that much and values our feelings and our brokenness and uses those for our good and to glorify Himself, where the glory is due!
well that's all for now, off to studying!
love.